The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
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Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot