I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
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When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
whatcha thinkin bout
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..