What a chick magnet..
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You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Cucumbers Anonymous
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls