I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
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9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.