The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
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I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.