The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
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Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Watson was Holmes schooled
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.