The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
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HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I already tried new things thanks.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER: