The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
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are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-