The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
You Might Also Like
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Smells like a challenge to me
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
it’s a van. how do they not know this
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave