The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.