@AGreaterMonster: The Rock is going to have a kid, which they'll name Pebbles.
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@squirrel74wkgn: I'm pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I'm not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
@mrtruthandsoul: 5yo: Daddy, what's a facial? Me: Your brother. 5yo: I don't have a brother!? Me: Exactly!
@robfee: If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who's president.
@corysnearowski: My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night