If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
You Might Also Like
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.