Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
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I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.