The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I’m calling the cops.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system