The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
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If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
are there any atheist mantises?
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Sheep
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
me when I see my crush
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.