The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
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[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
good work, detective
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.