The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
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You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
#Caturday
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven