The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
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*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway