The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
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her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My flabber has been gasted.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this