The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
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Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it