A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
You Might Also Like
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.