the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
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my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]