The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
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If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Mouse
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.