@Pundamentalism: The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
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@LuvPug: A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn't know by now where babies come from it's not my place to tell her
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
@abbycohenwl: Before they built this Trader Joe's, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other's way
@myonlymizztake: When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.