The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
You Might Also Like
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.