Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Miscakes
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.