I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
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Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no