After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
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If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
OH. COME. ON.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
meow
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die