Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
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Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
The little toadstool has spoken.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.