The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
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What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Me recordaron éste meme
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.