@NervousJr: The same woman who said "I'm your mom not your friend" has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.
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@EyeSeeYou619: Skrillex sounds like that time I threw a bag of beer bottles into an empty dumpster & a homeless dude yelled jibberish at me for waking him.
@TitansHomer: My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
@davetureq: Ever since they started calling pole dancers "artists," I've been writing on my resume that my talents include "moving in artistic circles."
@Home_Halfway: *Hands waiter menu back at a fancy restaurant* I don't know what any of this is and I'm scared