@NervousJr: The same woman who said "I'm your mom not your friend" has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.
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@flashember: DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A DOG'S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
@robdelaney: .@LAPD My wife made hazelnut "coffee" with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
@TheBoghdady: "When a girl says 'Awww Thanks!', it means she's politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from."