[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Peter Parker Peter Driver
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Lmfao
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis