Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
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Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?