Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
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What a chick magnet..
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
titanic
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.