@The_MartiniGirl: The sampler tester at the liquor store told me to stop coming back every hour in a disguise.
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@ibid78: [internet] if u liked this story on cows dressed as plumbers.. [me] I did [i] here's a story on panda cops [barely containing my glee] go on
@TheTweetOfGod: "Scientology" is a combination of "scient-," meaning "science," and "-ology," meaning "science." And it just gets stupider from there.
@JohnLyonTweets: This haunted house sucks. It's just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
@kumailn: Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.