The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
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GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Does it…does it take 3 days
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs