The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.