@robin_991: The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
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@NicestHippo: Symptoms of mental illness: -Hearing voices -Hallucinating -Complaining about how other people use their social media accounts
@duumb: [kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers [gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb
@2questionable: Before kids: "I will make everything from scratch. We'll be so healthy." After kids: "Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus."
@Chumpstring: [Death Row] GUARD: last requests? INMATE: a little heroin would be nice TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard* INMATE: I meant the drug stupid