The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
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my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
God has abandoned us.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.