The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
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Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Cheer up.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.