The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
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Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Good morning y’all ☀️
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!