The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.