@BadMikeyBad: The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling "It's OK! There's nothing wrong! You don't need to come up here"
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@_TayTayJustine: How to flirt: 1. Giggle 2. Apply lip gloss 3. Look down coyly 4. Realize you applied concealer 5. Fall off barstool
@YouWillGo2Hell: Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you're sleeping.
@amydillon: When you have kids, "sleeping in" is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
@ibid78: "Ok last interview question. Biggest weakness?" "People say I'm too hospitable." "I see. So should I stop sitting on your lap?" "Your call."