The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
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Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
For the ones in the back.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer