the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
You Might Also Like
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
that lip filler tho