Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
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[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”