The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
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Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Midwest trash talk
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?