@Tw1tter_K1tten: The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
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@pleatedjeans: [house being raided] [swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
@JohnLyonTweets: I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
@moooooog35: I'm coaching my son's soccer team because it's important that he knows I'll swear at other kids, too.
@juneohara65: "Go ahead, caller. . ." "Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I'd like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?"