The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
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And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.