me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
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Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”