The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
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*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?