The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
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Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Lmaoo 😂
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.