Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
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Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Hell yeah 👍
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS