The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
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I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
dogs can find happiness so easily
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you