The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
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I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Truth
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Passed by a old school Math example today.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.