The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
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Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]